Understanding Coercive Control and the Quiet Struggle of Codependency

If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse or coercive control, reach out. Talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group. Healing is possible. Freedom is your birthright.

Gowher Bhat

Not all wounds bleed. Some are invisible. Some are silent. And some are so deeply woven into the fabric of our daily lives that we mistake them for normal.

In a world that often measures abuse by bruises and broken bones, we overlook the subtle and sinister power of coercive control—a form of psychological and emotional abuse that doesn’t scream, but suffocates. It doesn’t push or hit, but it erodes self-worth, isolates the soul, and creates invisible chains that are every bit as painful as physical violence.

We are told to forgive, to love unconditionally, to keep families together at all costs. But what happens when love itself becomes the weapon used to dominate us? When the hands that once caressed, begin to control? When silence at home isn’t peace but fear?

These are the hard questions so many silently live with. And the answers begin with a truth many of us were never taught: abuse isn’t always loud.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior used to dominate, isolate, and degrade another person. It’s emotional and psychological manipulation, and its goal is clear: to break down the victim’s sense of self, autonomy, and power.

It may show up in ways that seem small at first:

• Monitoring your texts or social media.
• ⁠Questioning where you go and who you speak to.
• ⁠Isolating you from friends and family.
• ⁠Controlling how money is spent, or keeping you financially dependent.
• ⁠Dismissing your opinions or belittling you in private or public.
• ⁠Undermining your sanity or making you doubt your reality.
• ⁠Deciding when or if you should eat, rest, or seek medical care.

But over time, these acts add up. The victim loses their sense of agency. The world narrows. And even though there are no bruises, there is bruising of the spirit, the mind, the soul.

It’s a psychological cage – one that is hard to see from the outside, and even harder to escape from the inside.

The Link to Codependency

Many who suffer under coercive control struggle with a deep, often unrecognized issue: codependency. This emotional condition stems from early childhood trauma—especially emotional neglect or abuse. It forms when a child’s emotional needs are not met, or when love is conditional, inconsistent, or tied to performance.

As adults, these children grow into caregivers, fixers, over-apologizers – people who believe their worth depends on how much they can give or how little they can need.

They tell themselves:

• “If I just love more, they’ll change.”
• “If I endure enough, they’ll value me.”
• “If I’m good enough, they won’t leave.” But this desperation to be loved often blinds them to red flags. Their craving for connection outweighs their sense of danger.

One survivor put it plainly:

“My aching for love blinded me to the wolves. I was so desperate to be loved, I tolerated being devoured.”

Codependency is not a flaw. It’s an unhealed grief. It’s the survival strategy of someone who never learned what it means to be loved without having to suffer first.

Recognizing the Invisible Abuse

One woman who finally broke free of coercive control described her reality with heart-wrenching clarity:

“He called me crazy. He said marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. My past was always thrown in my face. He made me feel worthless, like I needed help. And I believed him… for a long time.”

Her turning point came when she discovered the language of abuse. She learned about gaslighting, manipulation, trauma bonding, and coercive control. And with knowledge came power—the power to see clearly, to trust her gut again, to speak without fear.

“Everything he accused me of,” she said, “was a reflection of him, not me.”

That realization changed everything.

Why We Don’t Learn This Sooner

In school, we’re taught how to solve math problems, label a cell diagram, and memorize historical dates. But we’re rarely taught the essentials of healthy living:

How to set emotional boundaries.

How to recognize gaslighting.

How to identify toxic behaviors.

How to protect ourselves from narcissists and manipulators.

So many of us enter adulthood unarmed, unprepared, and unaware. When trauma hits or when an abuser walks into our lives we don’t even realize we’re being harmed. Instead, we internalize the damage. We think we’re the problem.

But we’re not.

Healing Starts With Awareness

The journey to healing from coercive control and codependency is not instant. It’s not easy. But it is possible.

It begins with awareness. With the courage to name the abuse. With the education that helps us unlearn toxic narratives and rebuild healthy beliefs.

As one survivor shared:

“It took me 45 years to begin taking care of myself. I had to unlearn everything I thought love meant. I had to undo decades of self-abandonment. But the moment I started organizing my mind, my healing began.”

Education becomes the antidote. Tools become weapons of strength. Boundaries become shields. And the storm begins to lift.

Wise as Serpents, Harmless as Doves

There’s a Biblical truth that speaks to this exact dilemma:

“Be as wise as a serpent, and as harmless as a dove.”
It means: stay kind but not blind. Stay soft but not foolish.

Being spiritual, forgiving, and loving does not mean tolerating abuse. It does not mean staying silent while someone slowly erodes your identity. It does not mean shrinking to stay “safe.”

We must raise a generation that knows how to love and protect themselves. A generation that isn’t just emotionally intelligent, but emotionally resilient. Because love is a beautiful force – it is never meant to come with control.

The First Step Forward

If you’re reading this and resonating with the words, know that you’re not alone.

You don’t have to stay in fear. You don’t have to keep performing for love. And you certainly don’t have to prove your worth to anyone who fails to see it.

The future is not fixed.

You can rewrite your story.

You can reclaim your power.

And yes, even if the journey begins in darkness, the light always follows because rainbows never show up before the storm.

If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse or coercive control, reach out. Talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group. Healing is possible. Freedom is your birthright.