FRIDAY FOCUS: Are Our Nikah Khutbahs (Sermons) Losing Essence?
Bring the Khutbah back to its essence. The answer is not to abandon tradition. It is to restore its purpose.
Dr. Fiaz Maqbool Fazili
At a recent Nikah ceremony, while waiting for the proceedings to begin, I found myself sitting beside a man who had been teaching the Qur’an for decades. Naturally, I assumed that a conversation with someone who had spent so many years with the Qur’an would open up a meaningful discussion about marriage, family, responsibility and the moral architecture of a Muslim household. The conversation did – but perhaps not quite in the way I had expected. After the formal alyaka salayak, our conversation naturally turned towards the essentials— – and the essence – of the Nikah Khutbah (Sermon). I asked him a simple question: Who should deliver the Nikah Khutbah, and what should it actually contain? I then asked who, ideally, should deliver the Nikah Khutbah, particularly since the books of Hadith or Fiqh al-Sunnah do not appear to prescribe any specific degree or formal qualification for the person delivering it.
From there, I sought his thoughts on several matters that, in my view, deserve much more serious consideration before two people enter into marriage – Meher (dowry), and my favourite subject, “Thaan”, a term often included in Nikah Nama and, perhaps, rather loosely understood as a “gift.”This raised a number of questions for me. How did “Thaan” find its way into our marriage contracts? Across Banihal, the word itself does not appear to be Arabic, Persian, Urdu, or English. So where did it originate, and how did it acquire a place in the Nikah Nama?
What, if any, is its actual relevance to the Qur’an (Surah al-Baqarah )in this connection however, is beyond the scope of this educational write-up. More importantly, I wanted to know what place these matters should have in the conversation before marriage. Are they merely inherited customs and contractual additions, or do they have a genuine basis in the principles of Nikah?
The discussion soon became larger: what is the purpose of Nikah today, and are we preparing couples for marriage – or merely for the wedding? Marriage is the beginning of shared responsibility, requiring communication, patience, compromise, mutual respect, emotional and financial responsibility, physical rights, conflict resolution, and healthy family boundaries.
In Kashmir, where weddings carry enormous social expectations, we prepare extensively for the ceremony but rarely for the life that follows. Who teaches two people how to live together after everyone has gone home? Should premarital counselling become an essential part of preparing for marriage? Marriage is not the end of a celebration; it is the beginning of a shared responsibility. It demands patience, humility, communication, mutual respect, compromise, and a willingness to share the burdens of everyday life. In Kashmir, where social expectations and rigid roles can place additional pressure on couples, healthy boundaries, respect for each other and for both families are essential.
The core message of this article: “Leave ego and shoes at the door, enter instead into a world of mutual understanding, caring, and sharing.”We often leave our shoes outside before entering a sacred space. Perhaps marriage deserves the same discipline: leave the ego at the door. Enter marriage not expecting perfection from an imperfect human being, nor determined to win every argument. Do not keep score, and do not let “Why me?” become the language of your relationship. Sometimes, the most powerful words in a marriage are simply: “I am sorry.” And perhaps the one who says it first deserves to have their name written in the “Book of Virtue”—for in marriage, humility is not defeat; it is strength.
A lasting marriage is ultimately measured not by the grandeur of the wedding, but by companionship, forgiveness, understanding, and the choice to stand by one another through the ordinary struggles of life. Perhaps that is the real poetry of Kashmiri marriages: learning to leave the ego at the door and choosing each other once the wedding is over.
Life after the wedding is where love is tested and strengthened, through forgiveness, conversation, and the art of coexistence. And perhaps most importantly: who teaches two people how to live together after everyone has gone home? Should there be mandatory-premarriage counselling- I recommend after having feedback on high divorce rates in Kashmir: where things go wrong? education, ego or environment. Some of these questions appeared to catch him off guard.
Later, during the Khutbah, I realised that although I had heard most of it, I had understood very little. Looking around, I wondered how many others were following the message. That experience left me with a simple question, marriage season is at bloom, let my pen have a click : Why are many of our Nikah Khutbahs so far removed from the essence of Nikah? The Khutbah is a reminder, not a performance.
The traditional Nikah Khutbah contains profound Qur’anic reminders about Taqwa, human relationships, family ties, responsibility and truthful conduct. These are not ceremonial words to be hurried through before the “real” Nikah begins. They are the real message. Yet a Khutbah can become so long, formal and disconnected from ordinary life that people stop listening, as both parties eager to finish it quickly. The microphone becomes more important than the message.
A good Khutbah does not have to be long. Ten or fifteen meaningful minutes can be more valuable than forty unfocused ones. The test should not be how much the speaker said. It should be whether the bride and groom understood what they were being reminded about. Who should recite it?
The Nikah Khutbah mandatory or not for debate here) should be delivered by someone who is genuinely qualified to explain its religious meaning and understands the responsibilities surrounding marriage. A qualified religious scholar or knowledgeable person with excellent communication skills should handle the religious aspects, particularly matters concerning the Nikah contract, mahr and Islamic rights and obligations. But religious knowledge alone should not become an excuse for poor communication. The person holding the microphone should remember that he is speaking to people—not to an empty hall. He should speak briefly, clearly and in a language the couple and audience understand. Who should listen? This should not even be controversial. The bride should listen. The groom should listen. The families should listen. Women should listen. Men should listen.
Why should the bride be a passive participant in her own Nikah? Why should the groom hear the Khutbah as a ritual while his actual responsibilities remain unexplained? The two people entering the marriage should be its most attentive listeners.
What should the Khutbah contain? A practical Nikah Khutbah should focus on a few essential matters.
Taqwa (piety- fear of Allah SWT): Marriage carries accountability before Allah.
Sanctity of Nikah: This is not merely a social arrangement or celebration. It is a serious commitment.
Mutual rights and responsibilities: Marriage cannot work when rights are discussed selectively and responsibilities are demanded only from one side. Mahr(dowr): The bride’s right should be explained clearly. Mahr the mandatory essential should not be confused with culturally imposed dowry practices.
Kindness and respect: A spouse is not an opponent to be defeated in every disagreement.
Emotional Stability and maturity: Two biologically different people, with different personalities, experiences and expectations, are being asked to share a life. It is not that virtual “Big Boss” item with scripted interactions and screen play. Differences are inevitable. Learning to manage them is essential.
Physical and mental relationship: Intimacy is an important part of marriage, but it exists within mutual dignity, consideration, privacy, rights and responsibilities.
Financial understanding and Management: Money, expenditure, earning, savings and expectations should not become subjects of discovery after marriage. None is superior even if both are working.
Family boundaries and Interferences: Respect for elders, parents and relatives does not mean surrendering the couple’s privacy and dignity. And finally, humility. A successful marriage needs people who can say, “I was wrong” and “I am sorry”, first – enters records of khair.
Too many people enter marriage with a wrong notion of mindset, even irresponsible parents sometimes give wrong advice to parting daughter “rukhsati,’ “Why should I apologise?” when the healthier question is, “How do we repair this?”
We prepare for everything except marriage. We prepare people for examinations, driving, employment and business. But marriage—the relationship that may shape an entire lifetime—is often entered with little preparation. This is where premarital counselling deserves serious attention.
Before Nikah, couples should ideally have an opportunity to discuss finances, children, employment, living arrangements, expectations, in-laws, communication, conflict, privacy, religious practice and physical intimacy with appropriately qualified counsellors. This is not about replacing the religious ceremony. It is about preparing people for the life that follows it. If two people have had no meaningful pre-Nikah counselling, perhaps the Nikah ceremony is one of the few remaining opportunities to remind them that marriage requires preparation, patience and responsibility.
The khutbah nikah should seek attention of all elders ( fathers,mothers, sisters, in laws ) post Nikah, give a husband and wife the opportunity to discover each other. Let them understand each other’s personalities, expectations, strengths and vulnerabilities. Do not immediately place the entire weight of expectations and responsibilities on their shoulders. Marriage is not an examination that must be passed on the first day; it is a relationship that needs time, patience, understanding and companionship to grow.
Bring the Khutbah back to its essence. The answer is not to abandon tradition. It is to restore its purpose. Keep the Qur’anic verses. Keep the sacred character of the occasion. Keep qualified religious guidance. But make the message short, tighter, concise with flow and simply understandable and connected to real life. The bride and groom should leave the ceremony knowing fully what they have entered, what they owe each other and what Allah expects from them. The Khutbah should prepare them for the morning after the wedding—not merely the moment before it. Because when the guests leave, the photographs stop, the lights go out and the celebration ends, marriage begins.
And perhaps that is where the Nikah Khutbah should finally prove whether it has done its job.
(STRAIGHT TALK COMMUNICATIONS EXCLUSIVE )
