SUNDAY BYTES: The Wedding That Costs a Lifetime – Kashmir’s Gilded Cage of Debt and Despair
How the Valley traded simplicity for spectacle—and families are paying the price
Dr. Fiaz Maqbool Fazili
In the fabled valleys of Kashmir—the “Paradise on Earth”—another kind of tragedy is unfolding. It is not marked by shrouds or funeral prayers, but by designer lehengas, extravagant feasts, gold, and the relentless question: “Log kya kahenge?”
What was once a modest, sacred union has increasingly become a spectacle of competitive consumption. Weddings that should bring families together are, for many, bringing debt, anxiety, and social pressure.This is not prosperity. It is a dangerous culture of display that is slowly exhausting families and distorting the very purpose of marriage.
The cost of a wedding is getting out of control. Kashmir is traditionally low and middle class while modern Kashmiri wedding can demand tens of lakhs- and sometimes far more- for a celebration lasting only a few days.
The Wazwan, one of Kashmir’s cherished culinary traditions, has increasingly become associated with excessive variety and quantity. Food prepared to impress rather than nourish often ends up as waste, raising serious questions about Israf (extravagance) and Tabzeer (wastefulness).
Then comes Jahez. Despite the principles of Islam and laws against dowry, families may still feel pressured to provide expensive furniture, appliances, clothing, gold and other gifts. Some borrow money, mortgage property or sell land simply to satisfy expectations.
Lavish marriage halls, elaborate photography, pre-wedding events and social-media displays add further expenses. Weddings increasingly resemble productions designed for an audience rather than intimate celebrations of Nikah.
Even the distribution of leftover food, dry-fruit boxes and other gifts has become institutionalized. What was once an act of hospitality can sometimes become another expression of excess.
For whose happiness are we destroying ourselves?
The damage is not only financial. Families may carry wedding-related debt for years. Parents sacrifice savings, property, health and peace of mind to maintain social appearances. Young couples can begin married life under financial pressure created by expectations they did not choose.Perhaps most painfully, expensive marriage expectations can contribute to delayed marriages. Young men may postpone marriage while trying to accumulate enough money. Families of young women may face difficulties when they cannot meet dowry demands or the expected scale of celebration.
We risk creating a generation that finds marriage difficult – not simply because of poverty, but because society has made marriage unnecessarily expensive.
A Question of Faith?. This questions baffles me always when I see extravagance in marriages
The essence of marriage is Nikah, commitment, Mahr and mutual responsibility, not elaborate ceremonies.The Quran warns against extravagance and waste, while the Prophetic tradition emphasises simplicity in marriage. Yet in practice, Mahr, which is the bride’s right, can become overshadowed by dowry expectations ( loosely called “Than- “misinterpreted as gift , placed upon her family.
We must, therefore, ask whether we have allowed the celebration surrounding marriage to become more important than the marriage itself.
Have we replaced simplicity with spectacle?
How much is the Influence of Television and Social Media
Television dramas, films and social media have also transformed expectations. Designer clothes, staged photography, elaborate décor, pre-wedding celebrations and celebrity-style ceremonies can create an illusion that such extravagance is normal.
Young people see these images repeatedly. Families then feel pressure to reproduce them, even when they cannot afford them. The result is a dangerous cycle:See- Compare – Compete – Borrow -Spend -Debt-Repay.
Kashmir Has Faced This Before
Kashmir has not always accepted this level of extravagance. In the late 1980s, social-reform efforts, including the Samaj Sudhar Committee, challenged excessive wedding expenditure, encouraged limits on guests and food, and promoted simpler ceremonies.
For a time, these efforts helped change social behaviour. Later, social disruption and the turmoil of the 1990s weakened such reform movements, and many old practices gradually returned in new forms.
The lesson is clear: social habits can change when communities collectively decide to change them.
What Can Be Done?Who has the influence?
Imams and scholars should regularly address simplicity in marriage, the prohibition of dowry and waste, and the importance of Mahr. Nikah should remain the centre of the celebration.
Mohalla committees, elders and youth groups (community has to step in) can encourage modest weddings, reasonable guest lists and limits on unnecessary expenditure. Families choosing simplicity should be respected, not ridiculed.
Existing laws concerning dowry and related practices should be enforced. Public awareness about debt, financial planning and responsible spending can also help families.”
Local media and social-media creators can highlight dignified, affordable weddings instead of presenting extravagance as the standard of success.
Ultimately, families must be willing to say no to unreasonable demands. Honest conversations about budgets, rejecting unnecessary competition and focusing on the purpose of Nikah can begin the change.What Do We Really Carry Home?As I leave yet another wedding carrying bags of leftover food and boxes of dry fruits, I sometimes wonder what has happened to the quiet simplicity of the past.Once, hospitality was measured by warmth and generosity. Today, abundance itself can become a performance.Perhaps the intentions are good. Perhaps distributing food prevents waste. But we should still ask:Can happiness really be measured by how much we carry home in our hands?Or is the most beautiful part of a wedding what we carry home in our memories?
Breaking the Trend Before It Breaks Us:
Who will lead advocacy campaign? The rising cost of weddings in Kashmir is more than an economic problem. It touches family relationships, mental well-being, religious values and the future of young people.The debt may last for years. The wedding may last for a day.
We need to reclaim marriage as a sacred, joyful and accessible union, rather than a competition in wealth and social status.The gold, lavish decorations, DJ and elaborate feasts will eventually be forgotten. But the debt, anxiety and delayed marriages they create can leave consequences for generations.It is time to lift this unnecessary burden from our families and return to the essence of marriage: simplicity, dignity, compassion and commitment.
Why My Pen Does Not Stop…
Not every concern needs another statistic. Sometimes the mirror simply needs to be held up—not to accuse anyone, but to help all of us see ourselves more honestly. The question is not whether we can afford to change.The question is whether we can afford not to. This is not merely an essay. It is a plea to reconsider what we have made of marriage before a single glittering night costs a family years of peace.
(STRAIGHT TALK COMMUNICATIONS EXCLUSIVE)
