DATELINE: “Mard Ko Dard Hota Hai” – The domestic violence we refuse to see
Domestic violence is not a test of masculinity. It is not a contest between genders. It is an abuse of power and trust that can devastate a human life.
Peerzada Masarat Shah
When a man is abused at home, society often asks him to prove why he could not simply “take it.” That question reveals a deeper failure: our understanding of domestic violence is still trapped inside gender stereotypes.
Domestic violence has traditionally been discussed through a familiar lens: women as victims and men as perpetrators. There is an important reason for this focus. Women around the world continue to experience serious and often devastating forms of domestic abuse. But acknowledging that reality should never require us to ignore another one: men can also be victims of domestic violence.
Their stories are often quieter, less believed and, in many cases, never told.
A man who is beaten by his partner may hesitate before reporting it. A husband subjected to constant humiliation may dismiss his own suffering as something he should be strong enough to endure. A man whose finances, friendships or movements are controlled may not even recognize what is happening to him as abuse. And when he finally considers asking for help, an uncomfortable question may stop him:
“Who will believe me?”
This is where the stereotype of “Mard ko dard nahi hota” — men do not feel pain — becomes more than an outdated saying. It becomes a social prison.
The Myth of the Invulnerable Man
From childhood, many boys are taught that masculinity means toughness. Crying is discouraged. Fear is hidden. Vulnerability is treated as weakness. Men are expected to protect, provide and endure.
But endurance is not immunity.
Men are human beings with emotions, fears, insecurities and physical limits. They can be humiliated. They can be frightened. They can be manipulated. They can be physically injured. They can suffer psychological trauma.
The expectation that a man should simply “handle it” can therefore become an additional layer of abuse.
Imagine a man being slapped, threatened or repeatedly humiliated inside his own home. Instead of asking whether he is safe, people may laugh. Instead of offering support, they may question his masculinity.
“Why didn’t you stop her?”
“Why didn’t you fight back?”
“How can a man be afraid of his wife?”
These questions may sound harmless to some, but they reveal a profound misunderstanding of abuse.
Domestic violence is not a competition of physical strength. It is fundamentally about power, control, intimidation and harm.
Abuse Does Not Always Leave a Bruise
One of the biggest misconceptions about domestic violence is that abuse must leave visible injuries.
It does not.
A person can be psychologically destroyed without ever visiting a hospital.
Emotional abuse can involve relentless insults, humiliation, degradation and deliberate attacks on a person’s confidence. Psychological abuse can involve gaslighting, threats, intimidation, isolation and manipulation. Financial abuse can leave a person dependent by controlling their income, bank accounts or access to household resources.
These forms of abuse can be particularly difficult to identify because there may be no photograph, medical report or visible wound.
A man may continue going to work, meeting friends and appearing perfectly normal while privately living in fear.
That is the hidden nature of domestic abuse: the person suffering may look completely fine from the outside.
Sexual abuse must also be part of this conversation. Men can experience sexual coercion and non-consensual sexual acts within intimate relationships. Marriage or a long-term relationship does not erase the principle of consent.
Consent is not gendered.
Neither is pain.
Why Men Often Remain Silent
The silence surrounding male victims is not accidental. It is produced by several powerful social pressures.
Shame
A man may feel ashamed to admit that he is being abused, particularly when society expects him to be physically and emotionally stronger than his partner.
Fear of Ridicule
He may worry that friends will laugh at him or family members will dismiss his experience.
Fear of Not Being Believed
Perhaps the most damaging barrier is disbelief. When society automatically assumes that the man must be the aggressor, a male victim may feel that reporting abuse will only make his situation worse.
Fear of Retaliation
Leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated regardless of gender. A victim may fear escalation, threats, social retaliation or the consequences of separating from a partner.
Economic Dependence
Men can also become financially dependent on partners. Losing housing, income or access to shared resources can make leaving difficult.
The Pressure to Protect the Family
Some men remain silent because they fear that speaking out will destroy the family, affect their children or expose private matters to relatives and neighbours.
So they suffer quietly.
And silence can become a habit.
When Society Becomes Part of the Problem
The greatest obstacle facing many male victims is not necessarily the absence of pain. It is the absence of recognition.
Society has created a rigid script: Men are strong. Women are vulnerable.
Reality is far more complicated.
There are abusive women and abusive men. There are male victims and female victims. There are relationships in which both partners harm each other. There are also relationships in which one person exercises sustained control over another.
Reducing all of this to a simple gender binary prevents us from understanding the individual experience.
At the same time, acknowledging male victims must not become an excuse to deny or minimize violence against women. The suffering of one group does not cancel the suffering of another.
The goal should be simple:
Every victim deserves to be heard. Every abuser should be held accountable.
The Legal Question
The law must protect people from violence and abuse, but legal systems also need to ensure that victims can access protection regardless of gender.
Where laws, policies or institutional practices fail to recognize certain victims, those gaps deserve serious examination.
But legal reform alone cannot solve the problem.
A man who is technically entitled to protection may still never seek it if he believes the police will mock him, his family will shame him or society will blame him.
That is why institutional change must go hand in hand with cultural change.
Police officers, doctors, counsellors, social workers and other professionals should be trained to recognize domestic abuse without relying on gender stereotypes.
The first question should not be:
“Are you a man or a woman?”
It should be:
“Are you safe?”
The Invisible Wound
Physical injuries can sometimes heal within weeks.
Psychological wounds may remain for years.
A person subjected to constant humiliation can begin to believe the insults directed at him. Someone repeatedly threatened may become permanently anxious. Someone isolated from friends and family can lose the support network necessary to escape an abusive relationship.
The result may be depression, withdrawal, anger, loss of confidence and an inability to trust others.
And because men are often discouraged from discussing emotional pain, these consequences may remain hidden.
A man may never say, “I am being abused.”
Instead, he may simply become silent.
He may stop meeting friends.
He may stop talking at home.
He may become emotionally distant.
People may describe him as “changed” without asking why.
That is why recognizing the signs matters.
We Need Support, Not Stereotypes
If society genuinely wants to address domestic violence, support systems must be capable of responding to victims of all genders.
That means accessible counselling, emergency assistance, legal guidance, safe accommodation and confidential reporting mechanisms for men as well as women.
It also means creating spaces where a man can speak without being mocked.
A male victim should not have to prove that he is “man enough” to deserve help.
Nor should a female victim have to prove that her suffering is severe enough to deserve protection.
The standard should be human safety.
Changing the Question
Perhaps the most important change is linguistic.
Instead of asking:
“How can a man be abused by a woman?”
we should ask:
“How did this person come to live in fear inside his own home?”
Instead of asking:
“Why didn’t he fight back?”
we should ask:
“What prevented him from seeking help?”
Instead of laughing at a man who admits that he is suffering, we should recognize the courage required to say it aloud.
Because masculinity should not be measured by how much pain a man can hide.
Mard Ko Dard Hota Hai
The phrase “Mard ko dard nahi hota” was never a fact. It was a cultural expectation.
Men do feel pain.
They experience fear. They experience humiliation. They experience loneliness. They experience trauma. They can be victims of physical, emotional, psychological, financial and sexual abuse.
And sometimes the strongest-looking person in the room is the one struggling most desperately to keep himself together.
It is time to stop treating male vulnerability as a joke and male victimhood as an impossibility.
A compassionate society does not ask victims to fit a stereotype before offering them help.
It listens.
It believes where evidence supports belief.
It investigates.
It protects.
And it holds perpetrators accountable — regardless of whether the perpetrator is a man or a woman.
Domestic violence is not a test of masculinity. It is not a contest between genders. It is an abuse of power and trust that can devastate a human life.
The real measure of a society is not how loudly it talks about strength, but how seriously it responds when someone says, “I am hurting.”
Men hurt too.
Mard ko dard hota hai. The question is whether we are finally willing to see it.
(STRAIGHT TALK COMMUNICATIONS EXCLUSIVE)
